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The kids were being a little rowdy at bed time yesterday so I ordered them out of the room to stand on the staircase landing to contemplate their rowdiness.

I then heard the following conversation through the door:

Peanut: We must have a discussion about this! Mummy asked us to come out and discuss this!
Lion: Discuss what?
Peanut: Why we were noisy. So can you tell me why did you tickle me?
Lion: Because you disturb me first.
Peanut: But you didn’t have to tickle me right?
Lion: But you disturb me first.
Peanut: But why did you tickle me?
Lion: …I don’t know…
Peanut: You must tell me the answer! Why did you tickle me?
Lion: …I really don’t know…This discussion is going on for so long time. I just want to go back and tell Mummy that I want to go to sleep.
Peanut: No! Cannot! We must have this discussion. So that we can find the solution!
Lion: I don’t want to discuss! I want to sleep.
Peanut: So why did you tickle me? Answer me first!
Lion: I don’t know. I don’t do it anymore, okay? The discussion is over.

The door opens. The kids return (with a cat trailing in behind them) and crawl back into their beds while the cat curled up at the space beneath Lion’s feet. Soon enough, they fell asleep with no further trouble.

I did everything that I could not to burst out laughing.

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From Terry Pratchett’s Raising Steam:

Something struck in Moist’s head, causing him to say, “May I ask, Missus Bradshaw, if your handwriting is good?”

She looked down her nose at him and said, “Indeed yes, Mister Lipwig. I used to write a beautiful cursive script for my dear late husband. He was a lawyer and they expect excellence in the writing and use of the language. Mister Slant was always very…particular about that, and no one appreciated the judicious use of Latatian better than dear Archibald did.

“And, may I add, I was schooled at the Quirm College for Young Ladies, where they are very solid on the teaching of foreign tongues, even though Morpokian rather seems to have become the lingua quirma of late.” Mrs. Bradshaw sniffed. “And in working for my husband I learned a lot about people and the human condition.”

I do agree that working in law teaches you, among other things, an awful lot about the human condition. There is nothing quite like standing aside and watching people argue about stuff, or listening to try to understand what people argue about, how people argue, why relationships break down.

All of that makes me quite introspective about life in general, and very circumspect about the things in life that one should or should not worry about.

So I spend a fair bit of time trying to convince my children that whatever they are fighting about is just sometimes simply not worth their effort. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Pick your fights wisely.

*

The Buddha: What are you doing?
Me: I am soaking out Sentosa Tranquility ink out of my fountain pen.
He: Wasn’t that what you’ve been doing for some weeks now?
Me: Nope. Last week I was soaking out purple. Different ink. Different pen. Different day.
He: It seems like you are forever washing out ink from somewhere. I think you are a bit obsessive about this. Maybe if you just use a normal pen…
Me: That’s like saying “Maybe if you just drive a normal Toyota Corolla…”
He: Good point.

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Text conversation between The Other Half and I while trying to decide on which CD to purchase

Me: Rubenstein or Ashkenazy for Chopin Nocturnes? Reviews are mixed online…

He: Ashkenazy from my youtube.

Me: I have been listening to the shorts on Amazon. Rubenstein’s version is more muffled. But slightly more sensitive than Ashkenazy.

He: Ashkenazy. Trust me I listen to them a lot while doing housework.

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Or what I have been up to in the last couple of weeks.

A conversation I had with The Buddha on Tuesday this week:

He: Aren’t you going to buy us lunch to celebrate the fact that you are going to be a homeowner?

She: Erm…I am going to go into debt and you want me to buy lunch? I don’t really get it but okay!

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day 350

Someone called me in the morning and told me that his wife was pregnant.

Nothing really wrong but it was a little TMI for me because I’m not close to said person on a social basis so it was just random and awkward.

*
I asked Secretary M to get me an envelope without a window so that I could put money in it to pay someone.

She returned with what looked like an ang pow but with no colour.

“Where did you get this?”

“Oh! I bought it some time ago for a funeral.”

“WTF?! I can’t possible put money in it to pay a living person knowing you bought it for a funeral!”

“Use it! Look! It’s shimmery white!”

“Okay.”

Don’t evet fight with your secretary. Gets you nowhere.

*

I met a guy at lunch about a pen he was letting go so I ended up carrying a brand new pen in its original casing to Court in my orange handbag, dreaming of inking it all afternoon while queuing up.

image

*

One of the first few people in Court I met was Lace, who scolded me because I told her to buy a secretary a pen for Secret Santa last week.

“The person I was shopping with told me it was old fashioned!!”

“So what did you buy in the end?”

“A T-shirt.”

*

While waiting around with Champagne Truffle, I asked him who he drew for Secret Santa.

“You, actually. What would you like?”

Okay. That wasn’t the answer I expected. Anyhow, we settled on a bottle of green bulletproof ink.

Then he said, “Now I can surprise you by not buying the ink.”

What. The. Hell.

*

So I told Lace about how Champagne Truffle told me he was my Secret Santa.

“Why did you ask?!”

“Because I wasn’t expecting it to be me!”

“What do you expect him to say when you asked?”

“He could say, ‘Look! A bird!!’ ”

*

“So was it A who called you to tell you that his wife is preggers? He’s the only person I know who is capable of being this random.”

“Look! A bird!!”

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lost in translation

Me: Why is she so upset?

He: Because someone called and yelled at her.

Me: Did you call him back and yell at him?

He: Yes.

Me: Did you tell him that he should never be rude to our staff again?

He: I can’t say that in Mandarin.

Me: So what did you tell him?

He: I told him not to be rude.

Me: And he said?

He: I don’t know. I can’t understand what he replied.

*facepalm*

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Joy is walking to the clinic in the evening with one kid holding each hand and singing on the top of your voices “Mummy called the doctor and the doctor said NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!” like you just don’t care.

Joy is having the kiddies declared free of HFMD by the nice doctor, who didn’t lose his patience even after Peanut and Lion asked him a billion questions about the equipment on his table and why they can’t lie on the examination bed.

Joy is breaking to the kiddies that to celebrate the end of their quarantine, they will be headed to the zoo tomorrow with Daddy and Daddy’s aunt and cousins.

But.

I have a hearing this morning so I am not going to be in the zoo with them.

So I sat up writing cross-examination all night and will miss the kiddies horribly in between asking my questions in a cold room and yearning to walk in the sun with those little smiling faces while waiting for the right answers.

Sigh.

*

This morning in the car while The Other Half was dropping me off at my building, I pointed out the Subordinate Courts to the kiddies and told them that Mummy goes there to fight cases.

Peanut asked: What are cases, Mummy?

I replied: Sometimes, people get into arguments and fights. So they go to that building to try to settle their fights. Mummy’s job is to help them settle their fights.

Lion asked: Mummy, you go there and fight? With swords?

I replied: No no! Mummy doesn’t fight with swords. Mummy fights with a pen. And the pen is mightier than a sword!

Before we knew it, we were at my building. I said goodbye to the kiddies and wished them a good day at the zoo.

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