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Archive for June, 2012

On Thursday afternoon, I spent a couple of leisurely hours with The Other Half at the jeweller’s discussing the design of a pendant that I wanted made: a crucifix of coloured diamonds inscribed with the words “Quid est Veritas”.

After the pleasant meeting, I walked back to the office, signed a few letters and left for a foot massage.

At the start of the massage, my phone went off. I started for home immediately.

*

The cousins and I lounged in the hot and humid living room, sharing stories.

Cousin V said: The last time I was here, we saw a really large moth. Like really, really large. I took a picture with my phone.

Cousin Z said: I have decided that the next time I see something like that again, I should try to kill it.

I said: Should someone say something to Cousin W?

We looked at each other. Neither of us could find the words, or even knew what to say.

Then I said: Maybe we should just text her.

*

The next night, I stood in a bright room with gold wallpaper, singing a hymn in Mandarin, being told that this is the truth and a fact of life. I served light snacks and drinks to strangers, listened to even more stories, thinking to myself I really should write all of this down some time.

*

The next morning, I held onto my mother, her heart breaking, as she bade her last farewell. I felt my mother’s grief. My face was wet. I put on my sunglasses.

*

On Monday, my mother said to me that she still feels at moments a huge weight sitting on her heart, even though it is now all over.

I told her that it will always be like that, but time may make the burden lighter.

*

On Tuesday, I apologised to people on the phone, I’ve been away from the office because of a bereavement.

When I said bereavement, in comes out in my head as fifteen thousand dollars. I roll my eyes.

*

I’ve spent the last weeks thinking and wondering, mulling over quite a great number of things, sieving through a great number of memories from my childhood, little vignettes collected and stored in the dark corners of my mind, trying to make sense of my feelings, of everything.

But perhaps none of this is meant to make any sense at all. Or perhaps there is no sense in trying to make any sense out of this.

There’s just the fact and the truth.

But then: Quid est Veritas?

I should write it down. But bear with me, I just can’t quite find the words yet.

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When her little cousin came up to attempt to participate in their colouring this morning (thereby making a mess of it), Peanut said to her sternly: 等一下我们的妈妈来!!

The Lion joined in: 坏蛋!! 妈妈打屁股!!

It’s kinda funny, that I mean so much to two little munchkins that they see me as the protector of all things bad in the world for them.

Makes me want to gather them up in a huge hug, and never let them go.

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on wasting time

From The Dragon Revenant by Katherine Kerr

Salamander to Jill on pressing charges against Baruma:

If you want to waste a great deal of other people’s time, Jill my turtledove, there’s no better way than starting a lawsuit.

How true.

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What I have been up to:

1. Reading the Deverry novels from start to finish. All 15 of them. I bought the final novel in hardcover last year from Amazon and completed it. After I finished, I realised that I should read it once through again just to remember everything, to make better sense of the ending. I have started about 3 weeks ago and I am currently in Book 4.

An unintended side effect of the re-reading is that I keep getting stray bits of memories over the last 15 years or so surface in my mind randomly (since I have been following the story for the last 15 years). I start remembering strange things like my first serious relationship at age 16 with a completely unsuitable person, being stalked randomly, afternoons in Econs tutorials falling asleep in the warm humidity and even the people sitting around me, driving across the island to retrieve one of the volumes from one of my ex-boyfriend’s house very early one morning…

Another unintended side effect is that I start thinking in Deverrian! I think of depression as Hiraedd. I think of destiny as Wyrd. I think about naming my next child (if any) Aethyr! I wonder about the existence of Wildfolk and try to keep a lookout walking along! Oh ye gods! By the hairy black ass of the Lord of Husks and Rinds!

2. Playing scales at night in at attempt to regain my dexterity. That’s right. I am back to the same routine from when I was taking my Grade 8 piano exams. Major Scales – Major arpeggios – Harmonic Minor Scales – Minor arpeggios – Melodic Minor Scales (in staccato). Then I read one or two other pieces including and not limited to Debussy’s Clair de Lune, a couple of Chopin nocturnes, and finish with the 3rd movement of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. I play my scales with the mute pedal on. I play my pieces with the soft pedal down. I think my neighbours still hate me anyway.

The upside about all of this is that I am actually playing better, which makes me really pleased, which consequently is good for all humanity as I am kept in a better mood all day.

3. Celebrating Lion’s 2nd birthday!

4. House hunting. I go into an apartment. I wander around. I imagine my things in it. I imagine living in it. I sigh. I leave. I don’t like it enough to spend everything I own currently and prospectively on it. Rinse and repeat another day, another apartment.

5. Fighting trials. It’s trial cycle. You kick someone’s ass, he leaves you alone for the next couple of years. Then he decides to try his luck again. Then you kick his ass again and so forth. It looks like I am in the ass-kicking part of the cycle this year. Doesn’t help that I am alone again with the imminent departure of Little Brother (another story on its own). Oh well.

6. Waiting, just waiting for the inevitable. It is not pleasant, but it will happen. It is sad, but it is life. There is essentially nothing one can do but let life happen.

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